I have days where I am so confident in that I’m on the right track, I know what I want to do, I know how to get there, I’m just paving out those next steps to do so. Though for quite some time I’ve known that those pavers aren’t getting laid anywhere near Brisbane – that’s a fact!
Every now and then I have this really overpowering…annoying you could say, monologue in my thoughts preaching, “hurry along honey, times awastin’.” Maybe I care a little too much for this domineering overthinking provoker, though I know she’s right and so chapter 3 of my life has come into sight.
People question me a lot. Why I do what I do, how I do what I do, if I’m scared things won’t work out.
I move to the UK in 34 days, and although many people praise my next chapter, many question it.
I keep being told I’m brave for buying that one-way ticket, though I don’t feel brave. Yes, I’ve laid awake for hours on end night after night, though my worry doesn’t even come close to outweighing the reasons I’m going. I have so many questions and motives in life, and I know they won’t be fulfilled if I stay where I am. Most of those around me collided with love, a career or just a general path in life straight out of high school. I wasn’t given that, and no I’m not complaining about it as I know in myself I’m not ready for it anyway. Call me selfish but I prefer the life I currently live, everything I endeavour to do considers my preferences, it’s the only way I will get to where I want to be (wherever that may be, I’m yet to entirely figure that part out).
So how do I know I’m not supposed to stay in Australia when I have no idea exactly what I want to do? Because I’m not content. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy, I’ve been blessed with the most beautiful family and friends. Though I’ve fallen in love with places I’ve never been – and that has transformed my content heart into a restless one.
My family and friends here in Brisbane and back in Warwick have been my safety net through some tough times over the past few years and I’m leaving that behind.
I’m throwing myself into the unknown, and as this process of moving abroad has proved increasingly difficult, it’s giving me more and more hope that this daunting process is a sign of much better things to come.
In my own term of ‘success’, I believe I am rather successful for my age. To this day, I’ve done what I want – I’ve been to five countries this year alone, I’ve completed %90 of my double degree at Uni and I’m quite independent. Though I’m unsatisfied, which is feeding that feeling of not having done enough, the very feeling that made me turn that page.
Currently my mind is in this constant battle of mourning the end of this chapter, as well as craving the next. And although I currently don’t feel at home anywhere, I still have this love hate relationship with where I currently am. Though I suppose you could call it an attachment to being comfortable. Nothing is easier than keeping stagnant with what you’ve known for the past five years. And I know this, but to be handed comfort so soon is what will keep me from what I know I will learn in this next chapter.
I know that I can’t fulfil this ‘empty space’ on my own, which is why I have an open heart to the many lifelong friends I know I’m about to meet, and who will briefly accompany my step by step road to self-discovery.
So stay tuned, for who knows what 2017 will bring – wish me luck!
– Haylee x
Unalome – The spiral represents our struggles in life, the straight line shows we have found harmony. My best friend and I will be side by side through whatever this chapter of our lives throws at us.